Like most people I would say that my personality has changed a lot since high school. In high school, I found myself surrounded by groups of friends more often than I found myself alone. Even when I was home I was surrounded by people. I shared a bedroom with my little sister all through high school making it difficult at times to have alone time… Especially with someone as chatty as Isabella around all the time. If you had asked me then if I was an introvert or extrovert I would have said extrovert without skipping a beat… But now I’m not so sure.
I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t find the right people, or if my personality just did a 180 when I started University. When first year started I found myself completely overwhelmed by the amount of human interaction on campus. While my friends spent the entire week excited to let loose on the weekend, I seemed to shudder at the thought of sharing my floor with loud tipsy teenagers. On occasion, my roommate and friends were able to persuade me to leave my cozy bed on a Saturday night, and I definitely have many great memories of late night dance parties in random res rooms. But the nights I spent alone in my room far outnumber the nights I spent running around campus with friends.
My favourite weekend memories were the nights that my friend Jack and I would get together to chat and play music while everyone went out. These quiet evenings were the foundation of a true friendship that kept me going through the challenges of first year.
Nowadays you’ll find me watching Scandal with Adam on Friday nights, instead of doing downtown… Or reading blogs or watching YouTube videos alone instead of attending a house party. I don’t crave the energy of others to make myself happy like I did in high school, which is why I consider myself an introvert. But sometimes I wonder if I use this label as an excuse for staying home.
About a week ago there was an festival going on in Halifax that I was interested in. I wrote it down in my calendar, and clicked ‘going’ on Facebook because I was actually excited about it. But by the day of the festival I was having second thoughts about going.
“The weather is terrible today… It’s cold and rainy. Why would I want to go to an outdoor festival?”
“What if I run into people from school? What will I say? We don’t have anything in common!”
“I’m trying to save money for my trip to Europe… I think I’d rather save the $30 I might spent there”
These thoughts swirled around my head all day. By the time 7:00 rolled around I had convinced myself to stay in even though a small voice in my head told me that I would regret the decision later. And I do regret my decision.
Sure, the weather sucked. And yes, there are a lot of people in that I could have run into there that maybe I didn’t want to talk to… And maybe I didn’t need to spent a few extra bucks when I’m trying to put all my money towards a big trip. But not getting out of the house just because of a few feeble excuses only made me feel lonely and homesick for Toronto. It made me resent the decision I made to stay in Halifax for the summer instead of going home to be with friends.
I know my personality well enough that I’m not going to change overnight and become the kind of person that looks forward to bar hopping on weekends. But I think I need to step out of my shell a little bit more. I’m hoping that my trip back to Ontario will remind me of the fun I have when I am spontaneous and let loose a little. I know that as soon as I get in touch with my high school friends that my old confident and out-going self will come out and happily spent every free minute surrounded by my people. I’m just hoping that a piece of that girl comes home with me.
On that note, I’m going to catch my flight to Ontario. I’ll talk to you soon.
Sincerely, Rowan xo