2018 didn’t exactly get off to the amazing start I had in mind. Not because I ‘failed’ my resolutions or because my plans didn’t go my way, but my priorities changed midway into the month.
I’m finding this hard to put into words. My Grandpa died on January 12th.
It’s still crazy to even write those words because I don’t think I’ve really come to terms with his passing. We had the funeral on January 19th and I spent an exhausting few days in Guelph with my family. I always forget how tiring funerals are. By the time it was over I just wanted to hide in my sweats and be still.
His passing wasn’t a surprise to anyone because he’d been quite sick for about a year. I had time to say my goodbye’s at Christmas time and I think by the time I got the call I was ready. Well, as ready as I could be. I don’t think one can ever be ready to lose a loved one.
I’m proud to say that my Grandpa and I were really close. We found some old VHS tapes at my cousin’s house that he had filmed when we were kids. We used to roll our eyes because he always had a camera with him but now I’m so glad that he captured such special moments. We all got together for dinner one night and watched one of the tapes: clips of my cousins and I running around the front yard and climbing trees as toddlers, Christmas dinners and a few sweet clips of Grandpa talking to us. His love is so apparent in every frame and I’d almost forgotten how attentive he was.
I love looking back on old videos to see how faces and personalities have changed over the years. I decided a couple years ago that I wanted to interview my family members for a family video project and had the chance to start with my Grandpa when I was in Guelph at Thanksgiving. I’m calling the project The Legacy Project and I’m proud to have his best stories immortalized. The video is such a comfort to me now that he’s gone and I’m sure the rest of my family feels the same way.
The rest of the month went by slowly because I spent a lot of my energy on the funeral. Even though I tell myself (and everyone else) that I feel fine, I suspect that my lack of motivation stems from grief. It definitely explains why I’ve been quieter on my blog and Instagram. January is an unforgiving month anyway but to I think losing someone makes it feel even bleaker.
There’s still a couple days left in January and I’m hoping that something wonderful happens so I have fond memories of this month! I definitely feel like my energy is coming back.
Grandpa, I’ll love you forever. Thank you for blessing me with your love.