There always comes a point in the school year, or the summer that I start to feel restless and stuck. I remember the first time I felt this way was when I was about 13 and had just graduated from elementary school. It was mid-July and I felt restless, irritated and just plain bored with everything that was going on. I expressed my frustration to my Mom and she just told me that feeling stuck was a good thing. I thought she was absolutely crazy until she continued on with this train of thought and said that feeling stuck means you are ready for the next step. And I think she was right. I was at a point in my life when I was ready for something bigger. Moving on up to high school was this next step.
The thing is, when you’ve just graduated from elementary school the next step is easy. You go to high school. And then when you graduate high school you go to university (if you choose to do so). But what is the next obvious step after university? Or even within your university years?
I’ve only got one more year left of university and as much as I say I want to be done with school, I still don’t know what I want to do next. This is totally normal and most people I know experience uncertainty regarding their future. The good thing is that I still have a year to form some sort of notion of what I’d like to do. To learn more about myself and my options. A lot can change in a year, and it is a relief to me that I still have time to figure out what my next step will be.
But I still feel stuck in a rut. I no longer feel like I am in the right place like I did when I walked through the key of Humberside as a Husky pup in grade 9. From September to April I questioned everything about my current situation because something felt like it was missing. I could feel myself slipping into uninspired patterns just trying to get through the year without going crazy. But the school year has been over for almost two months now… and the initial build up of launching this blog and finishing up my demanding courses has faded away leaving room for a stillness that now feels more like a prison than a peaceful and relaxing break from the stress and hard work that university demands.
I spent the day reading #GirlBoss and trying to figure out what my next step will be. I’m grappling at the usual things that keep me motivated and inspired but it seems like these resources have dried up. I can’t remember the last time I was spontaneous, tried something new or went out of my comfort zone. My thoughts, moods, and actions have become so predictable that I may as well slot them into my calendar like I do with everything else in my life.
I do not have a solution for this feeling. I just feel like I’m looking for some drastic way to change my perspective. I sort of thought cutting my hair would make me feel like a new person. I sort of thought publishing this blog and journaling would bring out my creative side. I sort of thought the end of the school year would lift me out of this rut. I guess I was wrong.
It would probably help if the weather would cut us some slack over here. My mood would improve dramatically if the sun would come out for an afternoon. Or if the mist and rain would stop for a weekend. Or maybe even if the temperature would stay consistently above 15 degrees so I do not feel like I want to turn the heat on. C’mon Halifax… it’s June not October, and you are seriously killing my summer beach plans.
If you have any suggestions on how I should go about finding my next step, please leave them down in the comments! I’d love to hear what you have to say.